My 30-day Reflection challenge

Over the past few weeks I’ve been struggling to focus my mind, feel good about life and process things as they’ve come along. It feels I’ve shifted into autopilot – a feeling I know too well from my darkest days. Wake up. Go to work. Check Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. Work more. Check Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. Oh and what about Tinder? There might be a new match that I’ll never talk to and who will never talk to me… Get home. Feel tired. Go to bed and listen to podcasts meant to inspire. Only to not action on them whatsoever. The only difference is that this time, it hasn’t been accompanied by that deep dark feeling I know from the past The abyss within that’s waiting to swallow me. Not yet at least…

To mix things up, and in doing so, switch off the autopilot of my life and take back control of the steering wheel, I’m intending to write down daily reflections every evening before bed. To consider what I’ve done, said, and felt that particular day. I want to reawaken my thoughts, make them find themselves down onto paper – YES, pen on actual paper. Not tapping things onto a screen.

What will I learn? Time will tell. All I hope is that it’ll break me free from the dreary path I’m on. I’m standing at the cross roads. Ready to narrate my own life. And not simply be a story told.

 

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A gift to my future self

 

Looking for new podcasts to get into I came across Emma Gannon’s Ctrl Alt Delete. In one of the episodes she interviews Liz Gilbert of Eat Love Pray and Big Magic fame. And in this Liz notes that we should give gifts to our future selves. And she’s so right!

With mindfulness and being in the present being all the rage, we shouldn’t forget that what we do today will impact our future selves in some way. I’m all for living more in the now, because quite frankly the past is somewhat depressing and the future…well the future is unknown. You just have to live it when it comes around!

That said, you should give your future self a thought every now and then. Because the positive steps you do today, will probably be amazing for you at some point – a day, a week, a year from now.

This got me thinking.

What can I gift to my future self?

I want to gift her a healthy and happy life.

To do so, I can, today, feed myself with nutritious and delicious food.

I can do stretches, sign up to a couple of classes, and move that body!

I can embrace my female curves and accept what makes me unique.

I gift myself nutrition. I gift myself movement.

I gift myself self-compassion.

I invite you to share what gift you’d give your future self in the comments. It would be wonderful to hear.

Listen to your body. Feel its needs. Hear its desires.

I’m on a journey to listen more to my body – the vessel of my self on this planet – and not punish it though diets, silly exercises and plain simple beating it to a bloody pulp with my mind.

For as long as I can remember my body and mind have been locked in a furious battle. My mind wants to improve my body and sends it on a gruelling diet, restricting it from the very source of energy, the fuel it needs – that I need – to survive. In return, my body rebels, throwing off the mind at a time of weakness (when it’s been tired of holding up the force field of being the best), going on an epic binge fest, saying FUCK YOU MIND while devouring ALL of the food its been denied and more, the mind silently allowing this as it tries to soothe emotions it’s struggling with and fill the hollow spaces of the soul.

Having been ok for a month or so now, being more positive, working on reducing the negative self talk and appreciating me for me, the past two days have seen me spiral down towards old habits. I’ve been snacking, eating more than is necessary. Choosing cake (carrot if you want to know) over less sugar-coma-inducing snacks around. I’ve been treating myself as I’ve allowed the self-hatred to bubble up again. And as I’ve hidden away and disliking my body more and more, I’ve heard the gremlins knock on the door.

I know one of the reasons, if not the reason, for this has been that I ran out of my happy pills – something I don’t recommend at all! Not taking these, if only for a couple of days, have seen the gremlins grow stronger, telling my body it wants and needs sugar, fatty foods and other things to feel better. And my mind has not picked up the battle. So I chose carrot cake. And crips.

This affected my energy levels immediately. All I’ve wanted to do is sleep. To get away from the thoughts and feelings bubbling underneath. Today has been much of the same. My body has craved sugar and food. It has wanted chocolate. Sweet fruit. And now I feel huge, like beach ball that’s been filled with too much air. I’m at bursting point.

My mind has been equally frazzled. It’s been thinking about stuff that doesn’t matter.  It’s been easily distracted. Unfocused. It’s engaged in conversation with the gremlins. And it’s become needy. It has wanted attention, from men especially. I’ve felt I needed to know that I am capable of being interesting to men, I’ve needed reassurance they find me attractive. Because my body and mind are both telling me that I am not these things…

I now have my happy pills again, and I know that in a few days time I will be back to ‘normal’ service. What scares me the most is how quickly the gremlins appeared and managed to make my mind and body turn things negative. And it makes me wonder what I need to do in order to be able to maintain a positive and happy me without the happy pills.

For now, I’m going to listen to what my body is telling me right now while I wait for my mind to get back on point. I’m going to rest.